Okay there I am done lol. So what was I saying?? Oh ya the vanity lol Okay so I see it down there and on this vanity also has the stuff lol collecting dust. LOL Okay like I said things are heightened for me times 10! Maybe I should say infinity? LOL! I say LOL a lot well because that’s the whats the word demographic I come from? So it isn’t collecting does what it is doing is just being there and I haven’t used it??!! Why? I have no clue okay wait I have a clue its there because well you see I have FND, ADHD, DEPRESSION, AND BODY ACHES.
(Had to switch to another paragraph) Did I forget to mention I am a MOM and my child keeps me busy and Oh snap forgot I have issues with my memory symptoms of FND! If you don’t know what FND is well let me tell you it is FUNCTIONAL NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER. They had diagnosed me with this like 3-4 years ago I forget when my last day of work was. I use to be a banker by the way. I was a top performer back in my day! I loved working there and seeing the clients faces it was by far one of the best experiences of my life. So like back to the vanity its there but I also don’t have room.
On my bed has another storage bag that deflated or did I open it. I think I opened it not sure because well I don’t rememberrrr! LOL ummm what to say now? Oh there is a basket fool of I am just gonna say garments that I meant to get to and its right there in front of my face but this brain of mine well I have to tell you this brain of mine it can’t link up that its there and I need to do it. Another symptom of FND! Sorry my brain had a moment and I cam back to it lol I had to stop to update my website I saw there were somethings that needed to be adjusted and moved around. So like I was saying the basket of garments ya I can’t click one and two together or is the saying one and two together? Its been there for days okay a week I think dang lol my brain.
So if you ever met me in person in moments like these I say “my brain” a lot! Okay not only is there a basket on the bed but clothes that were folded! Keyword WERE! Meaning I folded it and either “I” or my daughter messed it up somehow and now I have to do it all over again. Theres also a basket of clothes that I have to hang, ya I didn’t do that yet either. So that’s all in just the bedroom!! I come to the living room, MIND YOU! I have a 1 bedroom apartment with too many things (I REPEAT I AM NOT A HOARDER!!! I GET RID OF THINGS WHEN NEEDED LOL) I just don’t have the room to put things where they should go. Please don’t ask “Well why don’t you move into a bigger place” because my response is going to be “ You try being a disabled single mom living on disability and struggling living life through FND!” Yes I sorta told you off there but not really. Oh goodness I am rambling and I actually need too.
Pause! LOL My stomach is growling it is 11:45 am now and I am hunger. Now you go get something to eat as well!
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Okay so it is now 12:02 pm yep it took me 17 minutes gosh that took a lot of time for me to calculate that to make breakfast. What is my breakfast is? Wait its brunch it’s a smoothie. I literally opened my freezer and stared because I couldn’t connect what to do. I do a lot of this during the day by the way another symptom of FND. The only way that I remembered to come back to write is because my set up is near the kitchen and well I really needed to make sure that I had accomplished some part of the day before my daughter got out of school.
So where we? Oh lol the living room! I have a basket that needs to be washed and bags on the floor and toys that my daughter lol Didn’t put away for the millionth time. I am fault too because well sometimes when I am on one thing, I end up doing another, and then another, and then can’t remember to go back to what I was doing. But in between what I do, I do remind her that’s why I said “too” my daughter is still young and repetition helps her remember to do things for me not so much. Oh goodness FND why you loathe me so. I don’t even know that is the proper word for it. LOL But its there. Oh I forgot my smoothie has Greek yogurt, banana, blueberries, strawberries, and spinach. Its literally right infront of me so I don’t forget to eat. Which I do a lot! Because well I don’t remember to eat sometimes or I forget to eat orrrr I can’t tell if I am hungry! FND Symptoms once again.
Back to the living room! Lol told you I am all over! I have bags because those are things that I brought to my boyfriends house that I just put down in the living room and I couldn’t remember where they went last night! I just couldn’t! I literally stared at these bags that are filled with things and I was like where does this go? And I took one thing out and looked at it and I was like struggling trying to figure if it goes in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room, or here where the computer is at. They don’t tell you that these are the struggles of FND until you actually experience it. So here I am staring at the bags trying to figure things out and what happens the unexplainable. Okay well it’s a bit explainable. I have what is called a seizure and/or tremor. Its both I think I can never figure it out. My speech starts to go out, when I mean go out whats the best way to describe it? Hmmmm???..... I start to talk like a little child trying to learn words. All this happens because while I was staring at the bags trying to figure out where it goes my child is the side of me asking me questions and I have to ask her to please stop because I am having a tremor. I will be referring most of these episodes of tremors, to tremors because that’s the word that I remember more.
Things are about to get real and deep here!
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During the tremor I hear and see static, its an like the white noise you see on the tv screen back in the days with the gray, black, and white comes up when you can’t get a channel or show to come up. So, I am there experiencing it and my daughter goes back to watching her show. At this point my left arm starts to lock up and then my hand. What happens next my head twitches and the pain is excruciating, I am also crying. From having any of these episodes I am tears because the pain is unbearable and the feeling to experience this and go through it, in front of my daughter is even more. When everything first started I felt like the worst mom because I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t remember, I couldn’t support me and my daughter, I couldn’t do things that I normally do with her. I was like a brick unable to do anything but just be there. My daughter is such an amazing person throughout this time she has stayed there with me through thick and thin, hugging me when I was in pain, getting me my medicine, which is called Propranolol to help stop the tremors and it doesn’t really to me. She has been the person that seen me go through it the most. I am so absolutely grateful for her. So after the tremor happens I go to a mode that makes me feel like I have no choice and having the tremor is already no choice. As soon as the tremor stops my eyes are tired, my head feels like a giant cloud in it, I feel like its swollen, my speech is still bad but slowly coming back to normal. I start to feel extremely exhausted! Sometimes I fall asleep and sometimes I do whatever I can not too! I fight to stay alert because I have a daughter, I am a mom, I am a parent, and I have a responsibility to her to be there for her.
A mom is someone that is suppose to be a person you can count on, and for years I felt as if she couldn’t count on me. I have been working since I was 18! Even before that watching other peoples children. But I have been working in the world since I was 18! For the first time in years I couldn’t work because I was DISABLED! The neurologist said they couldn’t do anything more for me, the people who helped me with occupational, physical, cognitive therapy said there was nothing more they can do for me. The only thing I could do was continue to do the same things at home. Which is more work than any normal person would think. Because a person who is going through what I am our life is a bit more harder. I was struggling with a lot of basic things.
Nine months Prior to me getting sick I had experienced a domestic violence issue, not only that because I was still working at the bank it was midcovid and I was attending to as many clients I could to help. I didn’t see this coming. I was a fully time single banking working mom and I didn’t see it coming. I remember the day before it happen I was starting to feel uncertain like cloudy, foggy, like I felt something was wrong with me. I remember texting my siblings telling them I thought I was having a stroke or a heartattack I can’t remember which one, and I remember going to the er, I remember I was trying to tell the person what was wrong with me and them being mean. I remember me going home. I remember the next day I was back in the er because I still felt something was wrong. I remember them telling me I needed a therapist. I was so confused I couldn’t communicate I couldn’t speak I couldn’t remember things and I needed help then another doctor came in and I remember something bout a neurologist. I didn’t see till months later. During the time I was lost I lived paycheck by paycheck and I didn’t have any savings. My ex lived with us he helped what he could but things that happen while I was in the beginning stages of being sick no man should do!
I was trying to make sure I did whatever I could to make sure that my daughter and I had food, electricity, a home to live in. I remember someone starting a gofund me account. I remember some family helping, I remember people reaching out to me, I remember getting food delivered from the emergency food network. I remember that I started to paint and sell whatever I could to make sure that my daughter was good. My brain literally feels like you know how an egg is when you first break it simple not messy its organized and separate? After you scramble it that’s how my brain feels like. I have to take a break I feel a tremor coming on its 12:49 pm. My face is starting to feel it right side face stiff.
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Okay guys I am back it is now 4:11pm. I got my daughter from school. My tremor wasn’t bad this time lasted for 9 minutes but afterwards the having to get up and do something was worse. I couldn’t for the life of me do anything. Since it ended I just rested the whole time till my alarm goes off, which is one that I have set daily to make sure I know that my daughter needs to get picked up from school.
Right now I honestly just feel spaced out like I can’t oh goodness see or think. It is like an empty space, complete and utter darkness. Okay so the living room has its issues my kitchen well not so much just the dishes to do, sweep the floor, and mop. My desk however that this computer is on is a bit a mess. I have papers and stuff to organize but I can’t do that without a shredder I want to shred stuff but apparently I have to keep things for 7 years! Ummm so I need file space which I don’t have. Am I forgetting anything oh we got quick meal today KFC. I defrosted some meat but I am going to have it cooked for tomorrow. So I can do something. When I do remember things on what needs to be done I get very bad anxiety! If I need to cook and there are dishes in the sink I can’t cook with dishes in the sink. So I wash the dishes then as soon as I am done I wipe the counters and then the stove. But when, wait I had stopped because my daughter came to me and asked me if she can put on nails that are mine that I feel aren’t right for her yet. We decided we will paint her nails later. Sorry guys it is now 8:13 pm the night is now coming to an end. My daughter is taking a bath and I am well I helped her with homework, had dinner, and watched a movie. Now its bed time. I really hope you all had a wonderful day thanks for reading my non stop ending rant of my day to day sorta with FND.
Always, Bina
also I wanna note that during the beginning before I officially got diagnosed from a neurologist towards the middle of the following year went into the hospital in 2020 and June beginning July till the following year in June 2021 I was still waiting for a referral for neurologist that I didn’t see till maybe august 2021 but during this year a lot of people friends and family helped me out by this time
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